Third Time's the Charm
by WC43
Summary: Alice makes her return to Wonderland, and things this time are even stranger than her two previous journeys. Will her friends be able to save her? Based on Burton's Alice, rated M for lemon and general irresponsibility.


Well, I've found myself out of a job, and suddenly have oodles of time after school for all sorts of shenanigans. Among these various escapades, I went and saw a pre-screening of Alice in Wonderland with some friends (who work at a theater and thereby get all the good stuff). I don't want to spoil it, of course, as it is **nothing** like the other Alice movies, but I saw far too much unresolved sexual tension between Alice and the Hatter (Johnny Depp, which makes this lack of sexuality both unjust and uncalled for, even when he has scary eyes and nasty teeth), which I will now resolve on my own time!

Take that, Tim Burton. I will make a happy ending for these sad, unfulfilling movies of yours. (But I still love you, no worries).

Also, spoilerish alert, I'm operating on this most recent film, so there may be mild giveaways, if you're really desperate to see that movie and keep yourself pure until then. I felt like I was on acid the entire time, so I'm not quite sure which details come inherently with the story and which are new to this one.

That being said, I hope you like a little lemon in your tea. (These puns will continue, and I apologize.) Also, this is meant to be equally as odd as the movie, and the premise of the story in general, so it does end up getting a little strange…

Enjoy!

Third Time's the Charm

An Alice in Wonderland Fic

By WC43

---

Alice considered herself a successful business woman, a respectable and well-grounded woman. Today, however, she was celebrating her twenty first birthday, and she was both drunk and bored to tears. Yes, she had grown her father's company far beyond the limits that anyone could have expected. Yes, she had overcome the social awkwardness that came with the magical thinking of her youth. It was true that she had a fair few suitors, a fair few more doting guests, and a nearly endless supply of liquor, but as she downed another glass of something fruity and potent, she could honestly say that she would have had much more fun were she alone. _Or,_ supplied her more than pleasantly buzzing brain, _in Wonderland_.

She had accepted Wonderland as one of the great mysteries of her life. Still unsure if it had been a serious hallucination or a bad dream, she had simply decided to let it go. If it had been a hallucination, she could assume it was because of the hot party atmosphere and the stress of her almost-marriage, as she had not had another in the past few years. If it had been a dream, she had surely woken up, and no more dreams of such magnitude had followed (although, to be honest, characters from Wonderland did appear in her more mundane dreams, and in those dreams that would be much better left out of common conversation).

Now, however, the fancy drinks she had been steadily passed since the party began had given her a third theory – What if Wonderland was _real_? Certainly, she had been convinced of it the first and second times. It had only been the disbelief of her friends, family, and colleagues that had made her second guess herself.

"_What do they know, anyway?_" demanded Alice's drink, and she agreed. She stood up, tossed back the rest of the fruity beverage, and excused herself from the crowd, claiming to have dropped something in the garden earlier. Staggering along the path, Alice wondered if she should have waited until it was easier for her to walk. Looking down, she decided that taking off her high heels would be a better option than turning back now. They were uncomfortable anyway, and that party was truly dreadful. The last thing she needed was one more of Mrs. Wimblefret's sly comments, or even more underhanded baked goods. She would return to wonderland, dammit!

As she stomped through the greenery, Alice's heart grew more and more excited. It thrummed with delight as she swayed around a corner, stumbling into a large clearing where she stopped dead. It was the tree. With an excited clap, Alice ran to it, hugging it firmly and giving it a good, solid kiss on the bark. "I've missed you, old friend," she slurred.

She circled the tree once, but with no sign of the rabbit hole. '_Did I get the wrong tree?'_ she wondered, pacing faster around the trunk. Her world was spinning steadily, now, and she wondered where that rabbit hole might have gone. Perhaps the rabbit had moved, or remodeled, or maybe he had hidden it so no more girls fell in (which was awfully considerate of him, considering the trouble it seemed to cause everyone), or maybe he was a ninja and was waiting to lead her to his dojo, or maybe he had died and his baby bunnies needed some peace, or maybe the Red Queen had risen again and her head was blocking it, or maybe—

Alice was cut off by a tree root, which grabbed her ankle and tossed her into the air. She closed her eyes (both for protection and because she was awfully dizzy after all that circling) and put out her hands to catch herself, but was met by a notable absence of ground. She wondered why she wasn't falling, and why it had gotten so breezy. She opened her eyes a crack, being greeted by the fast-paced wooshing of the rabbit hole mid-fall. Whooping with delight, she grabbed onto a clock and hugged it, snuggling it gratefully as they both crashed to the ground. Or, rather, the ceiling, followed by the ground. Alice had never understood that part.

It took far longer than she remembered for her to get her bearings, although she supposed she could blame that on the several dozen cocktails she had knocked back in an attempt to enjoy the attention of the various crones, lackeys, and hoity-toity businessmen who had been milling about her lawn for the majority of that day. She wondered faintly what they would do if she didn't come back, but then supposed that time worked differently in wonderland, and besides, they were more interested in each other and their old person business than they were in the youngest entrepreneur that England had seen in a century.

She sighed, rolling to her feet and seizing the key and the potion on the table. She tossed back a good amount, then tucked the bottle and key into her belt. She wasn't going to be going around changing sizes this time if she couldn't handle it herself. Besides, the potion seemed to make her dizziness go away, even if it didn't do much for the warm feeling that had enveloped her body. She grabbed the cake and headed for the door, making it outside and back to normal size in record time. Feeling eternally indebted to the fact that she remembered what the hell she was doing this time, she headed off into the forest. It was time to find some people.

"Who first?" she mused aloud, and was instantly answered by a grin that materialized in the air in front of her, followed by the rest of a furry cat body.

"Cheshire!" she shrieked, grabbing him out of the air and burying her face in his furry belly. He squirmed in protest, but she held him firmly, only pulling back when he let out an uncomfortable meow of warning. Smiling at him with glistening eyes, she held him out at arms' length and looked him up and down.

"You haven't changed a bit," she declared, and he slid out of her hands with an imperious huff, gliding to a rest above her. He began cleaning his fur with disdain, and she watched in sparkly-eyed awe. "Not a bit."

"You," he drawled, "are drunk."

"Yep!" she peeped, looking at him smugly. "It's my birthday."

"Well," he meowed, "that's as good of a reason as any, I suppose."

She grinned at him, and he rolled his glowing eyes. "And where are you going, oh chosen warrior?"

"I'm not sure," she said, frowning slightly. "I just came back to see if it was real, and now I don't know quite what to do."

"We will go visit Absolem," he sighed, "and see what he has to say."

Nodding happily, she followed him down the path that led to their old friend's mushroom. She gasped as they entered the clearing. The mushroom had been replaced by a giant flower, and the massive pipe had disappeared. Where it had stood, there were thousands of tiny flowers, each of a different color, but all of them smelling delicious. Alice's mouth watered at the scent. There was a flutter, and the large blue butterfly that had once told her the secrets of her destiny fluttered down, seizing a flower in its proboscis and popping it into its mouth with a satisfied click.

"Alice," he said in his deep, calm voice, "you have returned."

"Yessir!" she piped, and saluted him, throwing herself into a fit of giggles. The cat floated up to the butterfly's perch, and whispered something in his ear. The butterfly nodded solemnly and whispered something back, and both of them glanced furtively at the girl below them before falling into deep conversation. Alice, already bored by this conversation, decided that one of those delicious looking little flowers would hit the spot quite nicely. She pranced over, grabbed a shimmering white one, and stuffed it into her mouth.

"Mmmmm…" she groaned, smiling happily as the sugary substance filled her mouth. She swallowed happily. It tasted like cherries and magic. Suddenly, she really wanted to dance, and eat another of those delicious blossoms. She grabbed a few more, gathering them up in her skirt, and headed off into the forest to find a good place to dance.

Swirling happily through the forest, Alice slid a rosebud onto her tongue. This one tasted of raspberries and rainy days, and Alice crowed in delight. She kicked her heels together and did a short jig, but the forest floor was still not very good terrain. She fell over once, twice, maybe more. Alice couldn't really remember anything. She did, however, make sure that all of her delicious flowers stayed with her. The buttercups tasted of sunshine and fresh pie, and the morning glories made her feel like her skin was moonlight. She giggled happily, sloshing across a stream and several mud puddles. The branches really wanted to touch her face, she thought, and they left hot spots where they rushed to greet their old friend. Her stomach felt strange, and she might have thrown up, but all she could think of was how shiny her flowers made her feel, and a water lily that tasted of ocean air and romance novels quickly removed any foul tastes from her mouth.

Suddenly, she was standing in the middle of a clearing, and a table that was just perfect for her dancing stood in front of her. Within two seconds she had cleared the dishes off of it, and she was dancing like she had never danced before. She flung her legs left and right, shaking the table and rattling the dish shards that littered the ground. Her head felt like it was spinning all around, and she was sure that her hair had turned into smelling salts. She needed another flower. She looked in the folds of her skirt, but there was nothing. She checked her pockets, but to no avail. She needed that flower. She took flight, landing on the table, which folded down loudly to let her underneath. She said hello to the shards of china with her red wine as she crawled under the table. Her legs felt strange, and she thought that maybe the broken cups were jealous of the flowers, which would be why they had hidden them.

"Well, I'm sorry, you guys," she said, looking down woefully at the teacup in her hand. She wondered who made china with those odd red stripes, but assumed that it was the same people who made tea sets who got jealous of flowers. Odd things, that. "But I just have to find my flowers."

Her stomach was singing again, and she wanted her head to stop feeling like cotton candy. She saw a glimpse of color on a chair and pounced, smacking her head against the table as she shoved the orchid blossom into her waiting mouth. It was black licorice and childhood, she thought. It made her eyes go odd, and she wondered when everything had been made out of outlines, or why the color went away. Black shadows began closing in on the sides of her vision, and the world blinked in a rainbow of colors.

"This is very peculiar indeed," she thought, and then her world went dark.

---

The Hatter awoke to a loud crashing outside of his window, and rushed to see what was making the ruckus. Peering out, he thought he could make out a blonde woman in a formal dress dancing like a maniac on his tea table.

"Well, Hatter," he said to himself, "we thought we'd come to our senses, but it seems we truly have lost it."

He did not bother getting dressed, as he assumed that whatever was crashing around in his yard would not mind him in his undershorts. Cramming his hat onto his head, for decorum's sake, he ran down his spiraling staircase and out onto the lawn. He went through enough tea sets as it was, and he really did not appreciate other people coming in and crashing his parties. Storming down the path, he prepared his best glower for the situation. No one messed with the Hatter's tea sets. He had just gotten back his job and his queen, and had finally managed to forget a certain girl. There was no stopping the new, improved, mildly-sane Hatter, he told himself, and he managed to wince only a little bit when he heard another series of crashes coming from the clearing. He was a man of steel.

The man of steel rounded the curve and stopped dead in his tracks.

There was, indeed, a blonde woman in a formal dress on his table, although his table was now in several pieces. She was no longer dancing, but instead appeared to be having some sort of violent fit on the ground. She was bleeding profusely, and there were twigs in her hair and mud all over her dress. She foamed at the mouth, and her skin was a violent shade of orange, but this is not what stunned the Hatter the most. No, what knocked the Hatter completely off of his feet was the fact that this was clearly, undeniably, and absolutely Alice.

---

From the first drop of Jabberwocky blood that had hit Alice's perfect lips, the Hatter had been miserable. There she went, the woman of his dreams, and he was stuck in Wonderland, cleaning up the remnants of the Red Queen's rule. He had hatted the townspeople and hatted the country folk. He had helped out with the restoration and had returned to his service to the Queen. He was renowned for his efforts in the rebellion, and he was flocked by maidens and gentlemen alike, trying to win the affections of the orange-headed comrade of their savior. He was doted upon, hand and foot, and his hair had begun to fall in smoother curls than he had ever experienced. His teeth had whitened and straightened, and the bags beneath his eyes faded into his pale skin. He was, he supposed, handsome, although he assumed this was more due to the White Queen's experimental potions, which he had detected in his food and had simply never bothered to object to.

He grew bored of his position, and the queen grew bored of her hats, and they decided that it was time he returned to his house in the forest. She could tell, he knew, that he missed more than just their hero, and he knew that she thought she understood. He didn't dare tell her that she would never know how it felt to have lost someone so dear to one's heart, someone who saw through the madness to who you really were. Alice had understood why he was the way he was, and she had saved him. Then, just like his sanity, she had disappeared.

Now she was laying before him, more still than he had ever seen her, and all he could think was that he had lost her again. He flew to her, pulling her head onto his lap as he pried her eyes open. They were rolled back far into her head, but he could see the edge of one dilated pupil and irises that had turned bright purple in her illness. He checked her breathing, which was slow and shallow. Her heart beat like a tiny bird against the bars of a cage, and the blood that poured from her wounds seemed to be glimmering with poison.

Brushing her hair out of her face, he saw a glimmer of something colorful tangled in the once-beautiful locks that now hung limp. He picked it out and held it up to the light, squinting shrewdly at it. Then, his eyes snapped open and he cursed. Angel Flowers.

He snatched her up from the ground, running with her as fast as he could into the house. Her skin was burning, and he threw her into the bath, running cool water over her body, clothes and all, until it was full enough to cover her. He draped her over the edge so that she wouldn't drown, either in the bath or in her sickness, and ran to his dresser, scrabbling through the drawers until he found a bottle of golden liquid, which shimmered gently in the late afternoon light. He ran as fast as he could back to the bathroom, where he threw her head back and forced as much of the liquid as he could down her throat.

Within seconds she was coughing and spluttering, less-than-delicately emptying the contents of her stomach into the waste basket he offered. She began to shake, and he pulled her from the bath, cutting through her clothes with his shaving razor and dragging her free of their icy clutches. He wrapped her in a fluffy towel and carried her to the bed, hoping that he was correct, and the worst was over. He bandaged her wounds as she fell into a fitful sleep, and he remained next to her, watching to make sure nothing happened. The afternoon became night, and her sleep grew steadier. He pressed a shaky hand to her forehead and let relief wash over him. She was safe. He slumped forward onto the bed and fell into a fitful sleep of his own.

---

Alice awoke to the worst hangover of her life.

She had been drunk before, it was true. She had been black out, wake up on the street drunk once, and that was an experience that she had never wished to repeat. Never, however, had she woken up in a stranger's bed, naked, and aching from head to toe. Her head felt like it was going to explode, her legs felt like they had been trampled by horses, and the very thought of sunlight made her want to cry. She remembered getting trashed at her party, and then trying to go down the rabbit hole… and then, nothing. Had she fallen down it and been rescued by some sort of crazy woodsman? She didn't feel as though she had been ravaged, but she didn't know if she'd be able to differentiate that pain from all the rest of the pains that riddled her body. It wasn't like she had any experience in that area, anyway.

She rolled over and caught sight of the orange hair that was strewn out across the bed, and her breath caught in her throat. A man, completely naked except for a pair of shorts and a silly top hat, lay slumped against the side of her bed. He sat next to a bowl of water and a compress, along with several bloody bandages and what looked like the world's largest stack of extra blankets, although not a single one was keeping him warm. Alice stared at him in wonder. He had taken care of her. Probably all night. And then she realized who it was.

"Hatter!" she hissed, startled by his presence. If he was here, then everything else…

"_Real_," she whispered, staring reverently at the man before her. "It's all _real_."

She remembered, now, the drunken journey down the well and her flower induced rampage. She found it painfully clear that she had been under the influence of some sort of powerful drug. She should have never trusted anything that damn Butterfly had, especially not after the first marvelous bite. Of course, she should have known also that the only table in the middle of the woods in all of Wonderland belonged to the Hatter, but the maddening power of those flowers had driven every rational thought out of her mind. She was simply lucky that the Hatter had been there to save her.

She looked down at him and touched his hair, marveling at its softness. It had grown smoother than it had when she had been here last, but she knew that that beautiful orange could never be anything but Hatter. She pulled at him, and he roused from his slumber only enough for her to coax him into the bed. She pulled him into her arms, knowing that he had saved her yet again. The sunshine that washed across the bed warmed the sheets, and Alice soon fell asleep again, still clutching her Hatter in her arms.

---

Alice awoke to a pair of startlingly green eyes, staring at her in deep confusion and tinged with dreamy lust. She smiled up at him.

"Good morning, Hatter."

He looked even more stunned. "This is a new one," he blurted, rubbing his head in confusion.

"Pardon me?" she asked, not quite sure whether he was kidding or actually confused.

"You. Here," he said, pointing at her in his bed. "Usually I dream of you after the final battle. Or in the Red Castle. I don't think I've ever dreamed anything close to this." He shook his head. "I must have gone mad again. You've been gone far too long, Alice. Look what you've done to my mind! I'm a pervert!"

"Pardon me?" she asked again, not quite sure how having saved her from drugs would make him a pervert. This was not exactly how she had imagined waking up in Hatter's arms.

"I've started to dream you _naked_, Alice!" he moaned. "This _can't_ be good!"

Alice looked down, and was suddenly very aware that she was indeed naked. She peeped in surprise, pulling up the sheets to cover herself. She snuck a peek at him, and was sure that he was blushing as much as she was, if not more.

"You see what I mean?" he demanded, looking at her with a pained grimace. "I miss you so much I've gone off the deep end. I've lost my marbles. Gone bonkers. I'm a basket case. Cuckoo. Loony. Mad as a Hatter."

Alice giggled. "Hatter… how do you know this isn't real?"

He looked at her, boggled. "How could this be real, Alice? You're back in your world."

"You don't remember saving me?"

He made a puzzled face, then a grin washed across his face. "Of course! It's a saving you dream, I've had plenty of these. You've just never been naked. Hmm…" He began to pace the room, looking at her periodically. "What does this mean?"

Alice looked at him hard, for a long time. "Hatter, how can I prove to you that I'm actually here? For real?"

"Well, Alice," he started, scrutinizing her deeply, "I would think that you would have to do something completely un-Alice. Since I only know real-Alice, then dream-Alice – that's you – wouldn't be able to do anything that I don't think Alice would do."

As he continued pacing, an idea began to form in her mind. It started with the way his muscles moved while he walked. He was far more fit than any hatter had a right to be, and his pale skin glimmered in the morning sun. She watched as his chest rose and fell with his ragged, confused breaths. She watched as his abdomen followed his chest, rising less visibly but still enough to call her attention to the orange trail that led down from his belly button to the edge of his shorts. She had never realized that the Hatter was so attractive, although she realized that she had been attracted to him. Those dreams of hers didn't mean nothing, and from what he was saying, she wasn't the only one. This idea, she thought, would be very, very fun.

"Hatter?" she asked, sounding as innocent as possible.

"Yes, Alice?"

"Could dream-Alice do this?" she asked, sensuously sliding free of the blankets that had protected her body from his eyes and moving towards him like a tigress stalking her prey. She could feel her nipples tightening in the fresh air, but the sun warmed her back and danced through her hair, and she could hardly imagine a sensation greater than when his skin met hers. She wrapped herself around him, her hands lacing through his hair and pulling his head down to meet hers. She rested her lips against his and smiled before pressing herself to him completely.

She felt his body tighten in shock, and his breath hitched as he reacted to the fire in her kiss. He prodded against her lips with his tongue, and she opened gladly to allow him access to her mouth, gliding her tongue against his. They tangled for minutes that stretched into centuries, and when they both pulled away to pant out their love onto each other's shoulders, she could feel his need pressing against her with firm persistence.

"Am I real, Hatter?" she asked, wanting him to know her with such passion that she could hardly restrain herself from touching him. She ground her hips against his, running her hands frenetically across his skin, searching for the answer in his eyes. "Please tell me I am."

He groaned at her touch and backed her up onto the bed, tumbling them over onto the soft quilt as he pressed his lips to her once again.

"So real," he moaned, peppering her jaw line with nips and sucks and gentle kisses.

"Real, real, real" he chanted, trailing his way down her chest and pulling a nipple between his teeth and sucking roughly. Tossing her shoulders back in ecstasy, she screamed with delight.

"So very real" he whispered, kissing his way down her abdomen.

He reached her bellybutton and suddenly he was on his back, pinned down by a crazed blonde who seemed determined to devour every inch of his body. She kissed her way down his happy trail and paused, breathing harshly, as she dragged his shorts off of his body, releasing his erection to be consumed by her hungry gaze. He had never seen anyone look at him like that, and he nearly exploded knowing that it was Alice, his Alice, who was staring up at him like she knew nothing more than the desire to make him hers.

Alice was blown away by the sight of his cock, straining against his body and calling her to it. She pressed her lips to the tip, worshipping every inch of flesh with her lips before dragging her tongue along the underside, guiding her back up to the top, where she swallowed it whole. She worked her way down, bobbing and sucking and dragging her lips along the throbbing member. She fisted her hand at his base and pumped in rhythm with her mouth, using her other hand to fondle the rest of him.

He writhed underneath her, having lost the ability to communicate beyond grunts and moans. He felt his body winding tighter, his balls weighty and snug, and clarity returned to the forefront of his mind. _Not yet._

Reaching down to her, he pulled her up to level with his face, kissing her fiercely and trying to calm down his hormones. His manhood ached with the need to be released, and he knew that he would not hold out long inside of her without some serious stalling. Flipping her over again, he slid down her body to nestle between her thighs. She was wet, far wetter than he could have thought imaginable, and the exploration of one finger found her to be tight beyond his wildest dreams. He ran his tongue along her lips, finding her hidden pearl and licking it over and over, until she was quaking with need and teetering on the edge of orgasm.

"Please," she called to him, voice clouded with lust. "Please, Hatter, I need you."

This cry for him was all that the Hatter could take, and within a split second he had raced up her body. His lips pressed against hers as his member teased her entrance, and he looked into her eyes for the confirmation to proceed. She smiled at him, nodded, and then he was within her, thrusting into her tightness like nothing he had ever imagined. Their bodies rubbed against each other, building up friction between them that left them both gasping for breath and quivering with delight. They reached their climax together, screaming each others' names into the sky as they rode out the aftershocks together, collapsing onto the bed in a sweaty pile of satisfaction and weariness.

They lay there, panting and smiling, for a very long time, and when the sun's setting rays washed over their pillow they turned to look at each other.

"Alice," said the Hatter, looking very seriously at the sated girl next to him.

"Yes Hatter," replied Alice, barely suppressing the grin that wanted to creep across her face as she gazed upon her lover.

"I believe you are my favorite reality."

"And you mine," she said, rolling onto her side and kissing him delicately on the lips. "I think that's why I'll be staying here this time."

"Will you really?" he asked, eyes shining with hope and excitement.

"Yes," she said, nodding firmly and kissing him again. "I will. Like they say, you know. 'Third time's the Charm.'"

--fin--

Well! That's it for this one.

Much longer than I expected it to be, and I realized about halfway through that my title is dangerously close to that of _Third Time Around_ by LostLoveIsDead, which I haven't actually read except to make sure that we weren't writing the same story (I would give this up, but by _god_ it's the only good title _I_ can think of). So, apologies if that offends anyone. Other than that, though, I just popped this out in about three hours, so it's bound to have some issues. Send me reviews! Tell me what you think!

I had fun ^_^

Xoxo,

M


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